i miss you

 Dear Riggs,
The day you were born was the most life changing day of my life. The day I became a mother I was forever changed. My world tilted and you became the center. Your life...your safety....your happiness..your future replaced anything I had every wanted for myself or would ever want again.

The day we came home from the hospital was one I will never forget. As I was wheeled in the wheel chair...you riding in your car seat on my lap...I grew anxious as we got closer and closer to the door...closer to the outside world. Your dad and I both talked about it later...how the world somehow seemed louder all of a sudden as we stepped out into it with you. And he drove home with a little more caution. You truly put a face to the term" precious cargo".

 And home as a mother I grew as you grew...and we were happy...

 and it seemed like we had forever together....like 18 was a thousand years away...which was the age ..in my head that you would not be mine full time.....

 My precious...precious boy....

I had no idea that at 10...your friends would become the center of your world.That your world would shift while mine stays the same....and it's hard. Because you are gone a lot more....and I miss you.

 I wasn't prepared this soon for us to all be together....minus you...so much of the time....or to see how your eyes light up when you are with your friends...like they did when you were a baby in your high chair and we would make eye contact from across the kitchen.

I just didn't know.....I wasn't prepared...and I wasn't ready....

But I sure love you....and I sure love your friends. I love having your friends here and hearing you all learn and laugh about life.  I am lucky to be able to enjoy that. So forgive me for the lingering looks...the extra hugs and kisses to your forehead....and the more "I love you's"....it's me...doing the best I can to balance the void I sometimes feel when you are not here. And  I think you know this...somewhere deep in your heart...because you give me a lot more...out of the blue....hugs and "I love you, Moms"...and maybe....in your own way....you are missing me too.

No matter what we will continue to grow together and I will deal with your shifts...as your world tilts from person to person as you live your life...your friends now....your first love later...someday a wife....and one day a child. And God willing I will be able to see you experience every one of the shifts but for now I will enjoy the fleeting glimpses of my little boy and continue to love with with all my heart...every minute...of every day.
Love,
Mom