Christmas with Dad

Christmas with my Dad...well really time with my Dad of any kind....is bittersweet...but mostly it just makes me sad I think. Dad is going through his third divorce right now so I helped him shop and offered to host his Christmas for the kids. He came down a few weeks ago to go shopping with me and Lila. We had not seen him since since last Christmas...but the moment he pulled up....the sunshine came out and it seemed like we just saw him yesterday. That is the effect my dad has. For those few hours of shopping we had the best time. In the first store he bought Lila a teddy bear and she named him Honey.

 Lila and Dad laughed and skipped in the parking lot....and everywhere we went people commented on how lucky I was to be spending the day with my dad...and what a good grandpa he was.....

 Lila probably told Papaw Mike she loved him 10 times during that few hours....she hugged his neck and kissed his cheeks...and then he went home.

 Lila fell asleep that afternoon with Honey in her arms and love in her heart for this grandfather she had not seen in a year...but who just spent three hours with her. I find it so sad....all of it...just thinking about what he could be to them. I was hopeful...... as always...... that the time together may be enough to make him miss us...want us...that the phone might ring...or there may be knock on the door.... but it didn't. I wrapped every present for my littles from  my Dad and prepared a menu and got everything ready to host his Christmas for him....for my children....

 The Sunday before Christmas we gathered and my littles were excited for what was to be their first Christmas of the season. They are kids...and they were getting presents...

 My brother Brent who is on house arrest was able to come for a little bit too...his wife's daughter has a baby, Skylar.....and as hard as my brother is....I was touched to see tender moments between him and this baby. It really touched me....

 My dad arrived and shot baskets with boys....

 and he brought with him a new lady friend....another new mimi for my littles...but my sweet, precious, special children just rolled right along with all of this....and welcomed her.....and all the other new people with open arms....the new mimi...the uncle on house arrest and his wife and kids and grandkids....all of them...they have love in their hearts....they really do.

 That's the thing about family...you don't choose them....you can only choose how you deal with what you have...and no matter what I will choose to live my life ruled by love....as this is what I wish for my littles....

 He is my dad....only physically one day a year...two this year with the shopping outing...but he is my dad...and there is so much more in that simple statement.....grief, loss, heartache, but I will take once a year for my littles because they deserve to know that love...even though on many levels I am not sure my dad deserves their love in return...but it's not about punishment....or protection.....I can't get wrapped up in all of it or think about it too much..if I do I feel overwhelmed...and so I keep it on the surface and keep with one theme.....it's about love pure and simple.

 So we had a Christmas...and opened presents...and when Sk opened this Barbie set she exclaimed...Holy Banana Pants! and we all laughed.....

 For a moment it was like we were normal...going through the motions of a normal Christmas as gifts were passed out...paper was ripped....littles squealed with delight....people asked for scissors to open toys, and screw drivers to put in batteries....it was hot and messy and wonderful!

 and there was love and thanks....

and moments I hope....and pray.... will be enough to last my littles for a whole year......

 and then they were gone....and the house was back to just us.  On the counter my dad had left 4 gingerbread men cookies for the kids...and I teared up as Lila smiled with joy in this picture....knowing it would probably be another year before she saw Papaw Mike again....it's always hard....every time...and yet I keep doing it....

My Mom calls me Pollyanna.....she says I see the good and see the hope in everything. Most of the time she says this with an eye roll...but she is right. I am full of hope but sometimes with that hopes I also find a deep hurt....and my Dad is one of them.  I always find my dad in a fleeting moment of Christmas....and I always find Christmas in my Dad. Until next year....