Christmas with dad

Dad came for Christmas with my littles.......

Lila just loves him...she never sees him...barely knows him...but she loves him.

 He brought gifts and took lots of pictures.....

 It was a short visit but we were happy to share a little Christmas with him.

a slice of cheese cake...a slice of happiness

We had my dad down to celebrate his birthday. I know his heart is broken from my brother and I know there is really nothing I can do about it.

As a parent myself...I can't imagine the pain...the heartbreak. As a parent I have been compelled to comfort and heal my children through any pain....big or little....physical or emotional. It's always nice to be comforted at any age I guess. If my grandma Taylor were here she would have comforted with food. Every year for Dad's birthday she made one of his favorites......her Cherry Cheesecake.So that is just what I did...I made her cheese cake...hoping a little bit of Moma's love would somehow be here for his birthday. This little slice of cheese cake gave him a little slice of happiness.

He seemed to really like the gesture...

and I hope he made a wish for peace.....

My relationship with my dad is so different...it's like he is the father to Heath and Brent....but he and I are more like nice neighbors......who live a few streets over...I'm here...and if our paths cross we smile but life seems to go on even if our paths don't cross. It's hard to explain.  He doesn't really know me or my life or how my children are my whole world...all of them...all four of them equally. But he did tell me before he left to be sure and not be so busy trying to do it all that I don't enjoy this precious time right now...that it was too late for him...he had already missed out on that time with his kids...and it was a regret he has to live with. I just don't think that way....it's never too late to live Happily Ever After in my world....

 I do spend time with my littles...and feel like I soak up every moment I can of their childhood...this is not a spot in my life I feel I will have the regrets he has...but for a moment...it was nice for him to to show me a fatherly gesture...an moment of genuine advice....and I listened and soaked it up even though it didn't really apply to me ....that's how hungry I am for his love.....No amount of cherry cheese cake will make that hunger go away.
So as he got back in his truck and headed home with the rest of the cheese cake I stayed here and had my own afternoon....and afternoons like these...filled with jumping on the bed....love...giggles and tickles....sure fill me up in the most delicious way!

Christmas with Dad

Christmas with my Dad...well really time with my Dad of any kind....is bittersweet...but mostly it just makes me sad I think. Dad is going through his third divorce right now so I helped him shop and offered to host his Christmas for the kids. He came down a few weeks ago to go shopping with me and Lila. We had not seen him since since last Christmas...but the moment he pulled up....the sunshine came out and it seemed like we just saw him yesterday. That is the effect my dad has. For those few hours of shopping we had the best time. In the first store he bought Lila a teddy bear and she named him Honey.

 Lila and Dad laughed and skipped in the parking lot....and everywhere we went people commented on how lucky I was to be spending the day with my dad...and what a good grandpa he was.....

 Lila probably told Papaw Mike she loved him 10 times during that few hours....she hugged his neck and kissed his cheeks...and then he went home.

 Lila fell asleep that afternoon with Honey in her arms and love in her heart for this grandfather she had not seen in a year...but who just spent three hours with her. I find it so sad....all of it...just thinking about what he could be to them. I was hopeful...... as always...... that the time together may be enough to make him miss us...want us...that the phone might ring...or there may be knock on the door.... but it didn't. I wrapped every present for my littles from  my Dad and prepared a menu and got everything ready to host his Christmas for him....for my children....

 The Sunday before Christmas we gathered and my littles were excited for what was to be their first Christmas of the season. They are kids...and they were getting presents...

 My brother Brent who is on house arrest was able to come for a little bit too...his wife's daughter has a baby, Skylar.....and as hard as my brother is....I was touched to see tender moments between him and this baby. It really touched me....

 My dad arrived and shot baskets with boys....

 and he brought with him a new lady friend....another new mimi for my littles...but my sweet, precious, special children just rolled right along with all of this....and welcomed her.....and all the other new people with open arms....the new mimi...the uncle on house arrest and his wife and kids and grandkids....all of them...they have love in their hearts....they really do.

 That's the thing about family...you don't choose them....you can only choose how you deal with what you have...and no matter what I will choose to live my life ruled by love....as this is what I wish for my littles....

 He is my dad....only physically one day a year...two this year with the shopping outing...but he is my dad...and there is so much more in that simple statement.....grief, loss, heartache, but I will take once a year for my littles because they deserve to know that love...even though on many levels I am not sure my dad deserves their love in return...but it's not about punishment....or protection.....I can't get wrapped up in all of it or think about it too much..if I do I feel overwhelmed...and so I keep it on the surface and keep with one theme.....it's about love pure and simple.

 So we had a Christmas...and opened presents...and when Sk opened this Barbie set she exclaimed...Holy Banana Pants! and we all laughed.....

 For a moment it was like we were normal...going through the motions of a normal Christmas as gifts were passed out...paper was ripped....littles squealed with delight....people asked for scissors to open toys, and screw drivers to put in batteries....it was hot and messy and wonderful!

 and there was love and thanks....

and moments I hope....and pray.... will be enough to last my littles for a whole year......

 and then they were gone....and the house was back to just us.  On the counter my dad had left 4 gingerbread men cookies for the kids...and I teared up as Lila smiled with joy in this picture....knowing it would probably be another year before she saw Papaw Mike again....it's always hard....every time...and yet I keep doing it....

My Mom calls me Pollyanna.....she says I see the good and see the hope in everything. Most of the time she says this with an eye roll...but she is right. I am full of hope but sometimes with that hopes I also find a deep hurt....and my Dad is one of them.  I always find my dad in a fleeting moment of Christmas....and I always find Christmas in my Dad. Until next year....

Christmas at Dad's

Today we headed to Indiana for Christmas with Dad and Padget. The kids look forward to this as it is the first round of gifts...and when you are little that is fun, fun, fun!  Riggs and Rollins were extra happy to be the proud owners of new Rondo Celtics Jerseys, Lila loved her Fur Real dog-dog, and Sarah Kate was so happy to get a Taylor Swift Barbie.  . When the presents were over Dad took Sarah Kate outside to the garage storage area. On the other side of the door was a ride with me Barbie bike...so Taylor Swift can go right along with SK on her bike rides this spring! It was a nice day and the kids got a lot of nice presents this year.