i don't know how she does it....

I have never seen this movie but when it came out people...many people...made comments about me..... "is this about you or what" and I get that all the time..."I don't know how you do it" and I smile and look down and think geez....if they only knew what my bedroom looked like today.....or that I have washed the clothes in the washer three times because I can't seem to get them out and in the dryer before they smell funny.
Maybe it's because they don't really know me....Maybe because they only see my Facebook life...I am not sure. I guess, in their defense,  they are seeing this.....

 A day with PTA planning.....

hours spent at School volunteering....

 T shirts made for Juvenile Diabetes Walks......

 and one whipped up in the morning for my Middle Schooler......

 Little girls that match head to toe.....

 XC Mom duties fulfilled......for 100 kids I love to death...

 there to cheer on my kids at every step....

playdates.....

 and nights out....dolled up.... with a best friend who loves me more than life....

 and a man who loves me more than life.....

 So how does "she" do it? 

 I don't know about "she" but I don't, people......I don't.

I struggle every day.....everyday.....and my life ....and my self are so far from perfect it's funny! My life is crazy....crazy. I am talking CRA-CRA......but wonderful too.  All the above pics are are real...I did all that....I do all that....but when you are rocking something out...something goes by the way side...it just does....I don't care who you are.

While I was pressing t shirts for the diabetes walk.....the shoes got out of control.....

 While I was working so hard on Cross Country stuff....an entire bag of mismatched socks happened....

 While I was doing PTA stuff.....the 4th of July decoration wait for me in the hall.....still....waiting to be put away......it's knocking on September....

and a tote that was dropped off to my front porch 3 weeks ago....sat out side for a week and now has been inside for 2 weeks...right by the front door...it may be a permeant fixture...it looks a little like an table for an entry way....right?

 and forget the ding room...that is always piles...and piles..... of to do...to take....to organize....

 and the steps are always filled with stuff to take up or take down.....

yesterday I found that my body was with a fever and I was achy from head to toe....I literally could not move.

I don't do it all.....I just don't. No one does....no one can.

 Most days I am without make up....but WITH the people I love most......and yes I had my hair done for the Pink Tie Ball last weekend...but before that...the last time I had my hair styled for an event was my wedding day...13 years ago.

  I spend my days....taking care of the people I love and the friends and people and organizations they are involved in....that's why we love Goshen and North.....and XC and OC Tigers...and Gym tyme.....and give them our time and our hearts.....it's just all part of an extension of the love I have for my children. It's how I roll...it's what my hearts knows...and makes me happy.

 As moms we are all doing the best we can every day....... and every day brings a new challenge...every day has a new focus...a new need that steps forward....kicking and screaming.... saying "take care of me first!!!"    Maybe it's a Kindergarten girl who is struggling with separation from home and moma....a middle school runner who is struggling to perform and is starting to worry and wonder....a little boy who misses his friends....a dog with an ear infection....a lonely great grandma....all of this which sits on top of the other commitments you heart has....its just a pile....and you sift through it and take care of what matters most.....and at the end of the day the pile is always still there...it never ends or has a bottom. And that is why the 4th of July decorations are still there.....I will eventually get them put away....hopefully before Halloween! :) I know I am not "she" ....I am just me....doing the best I can....struggling and faltering every step of the way...but as long as I am doing it with love...well......I am good with that...and I hope after you have seen my bag of mismatched socks you are still good with me too. :)

the status of me

trying to get the swelling down

I don't blog about me much....why would I when the littles are so colorful....and so full of happy life?But it been a rough patch....and I have not been feeling good....at all. That being said my typical days have been harder....than usual. 

Like yesterday....just a typical day. I got up at 5:15 and the morning routine began. We left at 7 to get SK to school to be a cashier for the crayon factory. After the crayon factory I took the 5th grade class picture. I left Goshen and took Lila to school. I went to Target and got 3 birthday presents, I had a meeting at Sign a rama about the banners for the XC assembly, I worked on the 5th grade Freeze In we are planning. I picked up Lila at school. We met Lexi at Chick fil A for lunch. I took Lila to ballet at 1 . We left ballet and headed to Goshen carpool. We picked up the kids and beaded to Buckner for  3:00 haircuts. We went back to Goshen to drop Riggs off for basketball at 4:00. We ran home and got Rollins ready for track. Sk had her guitar lesson and I made dinner. We left for track and dropped off Rollins to the park to run at 5. I headed to Goshen to pick up basketball carpool at 5:30. We came home and the evening routine of dinner, homework and baths began. But when you don't feel good...well..it's hard....well...harder.

and on top of not feeling good...with my throat being paralyzed......the acid from my stomach just come right up...and it is literally eating my  back teeth away...it's so embarrassing. I have had a series of root canals and teeth extractions to get me back on track from this and it has been so painful.But it is what it is...and I am going to do some tests here and head to Cincinnati to see if we can get me feeling better. I just don't have the time to feel like this.....and I sure don't have the patience.I have littles to love, sleepovers to have, Valentines parties to plan, and the beat goes on......and my heart is right with it...it's my body that seems to be dragging behind.....but hopefully we can get me back where I need to be and I can't wait!

3:03

I cherish 3:03. It's the time the bus pulls up to court and returns the 3 school going littles back to me. Sarah Kate and Rollins always race to the door...Rollins beats her every time, but she tries any way. And I stand on the porch and welcome them home with hugs. I can't wait to hear how their days were....the good parts and the bad too. I love this time of reconnection....while it's fresh....and they are happy to be home. I love that each day we celebrate little victories like finishing a book or being selected to take the flag down. I love that we talk about hurt feelings and how to be a good friend. It's a time for warm cookies and feeling the comfort of home envelope you. Most of all I love that I am lucky enough to be able to have this time with them....3:03 is Moma time for sure and there is no place I would rather be each day than on my front porch listening to the squeak of the bus brakes as they get closer and closer...bringing my littles back home to me.

lucky girl

I got lucky tonight.... really...really lucky. After Rollins' basketball game the littlest littles went home with Bumpa and Grandpa for a bit....and Riggs came come with Jeremy and me. Jeremy got called into a case and it was just me and Riggs....all alone....at home on a Saturday night. In a family as big as mine...alone time with any one is precious and we made the most of it! We played Uno.....over and over....and he won every time...but he hated beating me so much and I love that about him.

Then we played HORSE for a while....and he beat me at that too! We got crazy making shots from the couch and the floor and anywhere else we could think of!

We were flipping through the the stations and I came across the move A Walk to Remember....a movie I just love....it was well underway....but we watched the rest of it together....and talked the whole time...about what was going on in the movie and it was amazing to sit and listen to him discuss how it related to his life...all on his own. Mandy Moore's character does not have a mother in the movie...and he asked where she was. I told him I didn't remember but that she had somehow died. This led to him telling me abut a little girl on his bus whose moms had lost a baby this week and how she was telling him about it on the bus...and how sorry he was for her and her family. It was so odd to picture him having a discussion about a miscarriage on the bus....I mean when he got off the bus every day last week he never looked any different. I didn't even know he knew what that was....and maybe he doesn't really understand it all...but I can tell you he knows it hurts the heart....to loose a baby....he knows that at 9...and I am not really sure how I feel about that....sad that he knows such big things.....or proud because his heart....as always...is in the right place.  Today I just feel thankful I had this night....to have this talk... and this time...with this sweet boy.

My mind wondered ahead as the wedding scene played before us...thinking about Riggs and who he might marry...that someday soon...a date with Moma and uno cards and basketball hoop just won't cut it....and although that is a bittersweet thought I want nothing more for my boys than to find love...true love...because with true love such wonderful things are possible...and life is just....well...better.

I hope one day he walks down the isle holding the hand of his forever love.....and I hope I will be there to see it all.....She will be a lucky, lucky girl to have Riggs Hardy. He is sincere....and loving..and smart...and full of integrity...and he has a smile with a dimple!

But for now....we are happy just holding a basketball and shooting hoops in the playroom....and tonight I am the lucky girl. A lucky girl indeed.

Ear surgery

The night before Sarah Kate's ear surgery Rollins slept with her for moral support....oh to have his heart....it is tender and precious and I am so lucky to have him in my life...and so is Sarah Kate.

We got up early and headed to the surgery center...she was ready and excited for her bubble gum flavored mask to put her to sleep!

Soon she was sloppy happy and pretty darn sleepy....and ready to go back...

I held her little hand and said a prayer before they took her away...it was just a tube removal and a paper patch for her ear but still.....it was hard to have her wheeled away.....she's my girl....my dream come true.... she's mine ......

The procedure was a success and as we headed home I held her close....she was so weepy coming out of anesthesia...."I want you, Moma...I just want you" she said over and over.....it means a lot to be her chosen one...the one she wanted in that moment....and I was so lucky to be right there with her....I am so blessed to be her Moma.

We picked up Lila from Bumpa's and Lila held Sarah Kate's hand the whole way home....that sister love is something else...

Back at home we rested.....and recovered and she went back to school the next day. 

Coffee House

I joined Riggs in his class room today for a coffee house. The kids could have parents bring in a beverage and Riggs requested hot chocolate....my made on the stove top hot chocolate.  So I arrived bearing a thermos, a can of whipped cream, and lots of love for Riggs. The hot chocolate was a treat for him...being in his class room and with these amazing kids was a treat for me.

They began with a play and Riggs had a part......

 Then they shared a brief moment from their stories they had been working on. Many made me laugh...many brought tears to my eyes. These kids are absolutely amazing! They really have a voice and write from the heart....I learned a lot from these fourth graders today. A few that come to mind....

 Riggs' was about being brave...something he has become and I am so proud of.

 It was about being brave but also friendship.......these two have such a wonderful friendship and being in class together has been nothing but good for them!

 I am so proud of Riggs and I just love him so much! I am so lucky to be his Moma!

whirlwind

Things have been a whirlwind this summer...busy but fun...and going by so fast. I found myself this week a little down...feeling out of control and finally giving in to how hard being a single mother of four busy children has been for the last year with the Iron man being a part of our family...

It was easier with the routine of school in place..and scheduled sports practices. Summer and swim team and camp have more random...more changes day to day...and I guess the whirlwind of it all hit me..and the fact that for now I am in this whirlwind alone. It's just a lot right now. It always is when you are finishing one thing while starting another...and we are doing that with a lot of things right now.  Iron Man is August 28th...soon but it still seems like forever...

my season

Sometimes I don't get to do things...because I am a wife and mother of four. I have 6 people to clean up after, do laundry for, keep healthy, cook for, be support emotionally...and the list goes on and on.  And when I am faced with this reality..I always say this is my season...my season of being a mother of four children...that I know I will long to have back when it slips by me. Even when I try to do things...to slip away...it's hard...harder than just staiyng put....and today was a perfect example. I wanted to sneak away to run for 30 minutes...Jeremy was here which is rare with his Iron man training...so I asked him if that was ok...he of course said yes....but it's not that easy...not for me. Lila wanted to go too...to run like she does with daddy to the park and back and then he goes on his merry way for the rest of his run. I got her ready and as we came down the steps Riggs and Rollins decided to go too...so I got them ready. We were heading out the front door when Sarah Kate decided she wanted to go too...so I got her ready. Now 30 minutes later...myself and 4 kids in running attire and tennis shoes....we headed out the door...finally! I headed down the street with four kids and Jeremy was at home...alone.....

 We ran to the end of the street and back to drop off Lila and Sk back at home...

 Sk was done....

 But Lila cried for more......so she and the boys and I headed back out for a little more...

 Then we took Lila back to Jeremy and Sarah Kate and the boys and I continued on....

finally I could run a little bit...so off we went...

We got about a 1/2 mile down the road...and Rollins started crying because he had a cramp....I encouraged him to try to run through it like we do in cross country...but he just couldn't...so we walked a mile back to the house to drop him off to Jeremy, Sarah Kate and Lila...only when we got there Jeremy was gone...he had gone to get smoothies. So I waited another 30 minutes for him to get home. 2 hours after I had asked to go on a quick run...for 30 minutes of time...I left for my run. The minute my feet hit the pavement...I knew I was spent...this was not the run I had planned. Two miles later...I arrived back home. That was all I had in me today. I stepped back in the door to what are we having for dinner....can we have a sleepover....and, my favorite from Sarah Kate...why were you gone so long? Like I said...this is my season....my season of having 4 littles....and honestly, although it is hard...emotionally draining....and never ending... I wouldn't have it any other way.